I have been thinking about so many things as of late.. Love, Life, Mortality, Career, Hopes, Dreams. What I want to do… What I need to do… Where I want to be.. How to truly be happy. The latter one seems so simple to say and yet so hard to achieve. All these thoughts cascading through my mind and I haven’t been able to slow the wondering of my mind.
The other day I went with my husband’s family to visit his grandmother’s grave it was the anniversary of her death and they wanted to take flower and pay respect to her. While my husbands aunt was fussing trying to get the flowers.. I was overwhelmed with all the emotions I felt coming from the cemetery. I started walking around and looking at many graves.. Those who died having lived a long life and those who’s lives got cut off right in the middle.. and those who’s lives just begun. There were joint graves of couples and single graves.. Graves with fancy grave stones and those which had only a plaque in place. Graves of those who had many visitors and those where it look as though no one had been there for a very long time.
I felt all of these people.. my heart cried out wondering who they were and what their lives may have been like. What great things had they all accomplished.. and who may have been left behind.. tears fell as the emotion in this place washed over me. I continued walking around.. I paid my respect a woman who past not long ago.. dirt still covered her final resting place and she was still surrounded my beautiful flowers. I could feel the sadness and the love.. the sorrow of loss.. But mostly the love. A walk to a grave with stuffed animals and a pin wheel and an angel watching over this tiny soul lost before his life even began.
Walking around my mind went to my parents.. both very much alive.. Which I am very blessed to have them both. Over the last several years there have been many close calls with my mother. Just last year she had a Heart attack, a triple bypass and bouts with fluid building up in her body making her susceptible to congestive heart failure. On top of this she is a diabetic and Bi-polar. There have been many up and downs through the years and I love her very much. She just recently agree to going into assisted living.. which has done wonders for her. She finally agree after the doctor told her that the bypass could have given you ten or more years but not taking care of herself she will be lucky to have two. This finally got through and she is doing much better.. and I just want her to be happy for what ever time she has left on this planet.
That is one thing I’ve learned through all this past years with my mom and my own health issues. That I just want to be happy.. Happy for how ever long I am blessed to be here. Happy and to live life to the fullest and enjoy all the wonderful things life has to off.. which so many are those simple things we take for granted. The things all around us .. The smile on a strangers face as they pass you. The interaction between families’s as your shopping or walking down the street. A child’s giggle. The trees, the sky.. the stars.. The sound of the wind.. and how the breeze sounds as it whistles through the leaves. the birds singing.. The cicadas in the tree’s or the quiet late at night.. when the only things you hear is the sound of crickets in the air. The sound of the ocean and the waves crashing on shore.. The sound of the world so peaceful just as the sun rises or sets. These are the things I want to experience over and over again.. Not any material thing can give you the satisfaction that the simple things can give you.. and most of all.. Love. This is the most wonderful thing in the world love is in all these things.. love is everywhere and love and happiness is what I seek in this world. These are what makes life worth living.. with out these.. it is hard to exist.. hard to function… hard to live are day to day lives with out..
This is all I want in this world… To be Happy and to be loved and to love. Nothing else matters..
Our Deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our Deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
"Marianne Williamson"
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